And the tears fall down like beautiful waterfalls

from my eyes. Everything that could have gone wrong did. I am useless, I am unwanted, I am not needed. I don't know what gave me the courage, I don't know what gave me the hope, but it had false pretenses that just ripped me in half. I have a huge aching in my chest, like an air bubble, it is painful and it won't die down. It just gets bigger with every breath I take. No one will love me, no one can. He made me ugly and everyone can see through my fake face. The ugliness of my past confronts them and they run. I have no one to talk to because you are never there when I need you. I lost you somehow over this past year to other people in your life. You leaving left me with no one to turn to. I sit in my room alone, night after night. I stare at the computer on my lap, lifeless. I stare at the tv for hours trying to fall asleep, and it leaves me like a zombie. I just want somewhere to belong; someone to belong to. But I know now that it won't ever happen. Rejection just tears me to pieces, even when I say it won't and I try not to let it. I can't take this. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt like hell. I just want- I don't even know what I want.

I could scream it!

That I like you, that I find you and you're corny jokes amazing. Your smile makes me smile. But it doesn't matter because you will never know. You're clueless and I'm hopeless. End of story. Cue curtains.

Fin.

Can we pretend...

...that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now...

When dreams don't come true:

You feel defeated. It's the end of your world- for today. No one understands, you may have next year, or the year after, etc., to fulfill your dreams, but your dream was for today, for right now or in the near future even.

But how do you live in the moment if you are constantly planning? Your dreams will always be broken apart. I have learned the hard way. My mistakes kept taking me down the same path and I kept getting to the end and starting all over again.

Positivity is chosen. I am choosing it. I may have cried in the past but the past is the past. It is no longer relevant. I'm choosing to live in the moment, take in the smiles on my friends faces. Notice the faded blue sky. Run my fingers through the blades of grass on the ground.

If I stay upset, I lose all of the small things that make me happy.

Life is hard. College makes it harder. But college teaches you how to deal with it; how to fix it, or how to cope with it. I'm learning how to live, because living is hard. I want to do so much, but I won't be able to. I know that. I'm choosing the free experiences my family and friends are offering. Not the expensive things.

So when your dreams are ripped apart or broken right in front of you in just a second, know that life gets better if you make the choice to let it get better. Choosing happiness is the best decision I have ever made. It can be yours too.

"Airplanes" - B.O.B. featuring Hayley Williams

"It's not rocket science, but it is used to teach rocket science."

My mood changes so rapidly, but I guess that is just a part of who I am.

Today was good. Well, better than yesterday anyway.

I have plans to do something for Spring Break. I have never had plans to do anything but work for Spring break, so this is very good, haha. I can't wait until this friday. I will leave at three pm to venture to northern myrtle beach and enjoy the weather for the weekend, and be back to spend my time at the vets office. But it is worth it to me. My friend actually wants me there, and her parents too. It makes me feel good- accepted.

Other than that, I finished my Bio lab today in like 45 minutes because Genetics just seems easy to me. I like things that are easy to understand and do. Makes my life a whole lot easier. I should study for the exam though. And write my english paper. It is due on wednesday. I'll get around to it. It's only 9pm.

I even went to science forum today, and enjoyed it. The topic was computation science. It was really neat. The guy talked to us about shodor.org and computational thinking, etc. It is super cool, you should check it out.

I just can't get over how much better I feel today. even though it was cold and windy. Just feeling like I belonged when my friend said that I should join her at her house in Myrtle Beach for the weekend made me feel great! Funny how one little thing can change the world for one girl.

Waiting for the flowers to bloom and the sun to shine

Wow. I am almost done with my freshman year at Converse. I feel like I just started yesterday yet I am ready to move on and grow older. So many things have changed for me. I know what I want to do with my life; I know where I want to go. I have ran and applied for things I never did in high school. I am about to complete Tarpon Sharks, a synchronized swimming club, that kicked my butt by the way. I will be a leader next year: an Orientation leader for incoming freshmen, the Crescent Vice President, and the Project Serve Special Interest Chair. And hopefully I will be inducted into the Biological Honor Society if I am lucky (I am a Biology major). I feel like I am accomplishing something, making something out of myself.

I even have a new job at a veterinarian's office.

Looks like 2010 is going to be a good year. I am happy...

...now if I could only get a bf, then I would be really happy. =]